Mob wife aesthetic
Five different people have messaged me this week with a link to a mob wife aesthetic article.
HI. HI. I AM THE MOB WIFE. My whole vibe is finally on trend - which is flattering but also annoying. The thing is you can’t just chuck on a fur coat and get a blow dry and expect to pull it off. I’ve tried desperately to escape this look in the past. I got stick and poke tattoos on a whim, wore a thrasher t shirt and even bought a pair of trainers PLEASE GOD FORGIVE ME. I was trying to be cool. It never worked. I AM this look. If my heart could speak it would say “ There Are Women Who Would Have Left The Minute Their Boyfriend Gave Them A Gun To Hide. But I Didn't."
Because the mob wife aesthetic isn’t just about the clothes you wear, or the blow dry, no no this is an energy. This is a way of life. And if you haven’t got that energy, then you need to stick with ya low buns and ya Ganni wardrobe babe.
For anyone wanting to embrace this - please see below.
If you like the police/think they do a good job/have ever said “Justice was served” Or even worse “I’m calling 999” then think again sweetheart. You’ll have to get back on depop ASAP to cancel the rains jacket you put online earlier this week.
Mob wife aesthetic is cold and warm, funny and serious, vicious and mothering.
Do get a fur coat but DO NOT BUY ONE SECOND HAND OR FROM A VINTAGE SHOP. We do not like moths. It is our biggest fear. You MUST buy real fur. A freshly killed mink sold in Paris - STUNNING.
That brings me on to pets. If you’re a peta obsessive you can start running NOW. Even worse, if you let your dog sleep on your bed GO STRAIGHT BACK to your favourite nordic shop and buy yourself a pair of dungarees. I AM NOT JOKING.
Being a brunette is preferred.
NEVER LEAVE THE HOME WITHOUT MAKEUP. Full face for the school run. YOU MUST BE PRESENTABLE. If we work on the outside, the happiness inside will soon reveal itself.
You must have clean and fantastic underwear on AT ALL TIMES. God forbid you get run over and you’ve got skid marks in your dirty old thong.
Must prioritise your children. If you’re making up a lunchbox - DON’T DO CRACKERS - too pedestrian. Think berries, fresh pasta, maybe a little gingerbread man.
A nude lip. Lip liner always.
DON’T WEAR TRAINERS. ARE YOU INSANE!? TRAINERS ARE FOR RUNNING AND FREAKS.
Be scary to citizens but also have a charm that could get you out of situations you’ve got yourself in for being scary.
LEARN HOW TO COOK ALL THE CLASSICS. WE DO NOT DO PHO OR FUNKY LITTLE RECIPES. We deal in mince, passata and really good parmesan.
You should probably have one affair under your belt. I can recommend a playground on a Saturday morning. Dad central. Pick one with a rolex and off you go. The world is your oyster.
Cry on cue. You might need it one day if you have to give evidence for a loved one in court. I have been there and I was wonderful. Meryl Streep would have wept in adoration and also SEVERE JEALOUSY.
Speak loudly for your children. This could veer towards smothering but everyone needs to know not to fuck with your offspring or they will get hurt. Which brings me onto…
JUST STOP BEING A DRIP.
Don’t follow trends. It’s pathetic.
Gold jewellery please. Diamonds preferably. And always a little earring. Could be a hoop, a diamond stud, even a pearl.
Only drink champagne or a crisp white. NEVER BEER.
If your brother/sister/mum/dad is being an insufferable fuck pig then call them one. To their face. Block them even. But if someone asks about them then it’s always “They’re fine, They’re amazing, I love them so much.”
NEVER SIT DOWN. JUST STAND FOR GODS SAKE. YOU ARE ALWAYS BUSY.
Stay dizzy xx